Boundaries

Written by Dr. Jada Jackson Hill, Vice President of Well-being

Boundaries set limits and everyone could use a good boundary from time to time. When working with my clients, I ask them what the reason for their visit is. Many times, I hear about the rude coworker, the negative spouse, or the ungrateful girlfriend. However, the deeper problem is usually lack of boundaries.

Often, we do not establish healthy boundaries because we are afraid of hurting someone's feelings or we are uncomfortable dealing with our own. We possibly perceive these encounters as confrontational. When this happens, we are at risk for being taken advantage of or even abused. Even worse, we may face chronic stress or anxiety.

Let’s talk about boundaries, but more specifically being open minded to establishing those healthy boundaries. And you’re probably thinking, “I am open minded.” And you may be right, or you may be very wrong. Remember, we don’t know what we don’t know.

To encourage open mindedness implies one is closed minded. Well, that’s exactly what I’m saying and would like to not only encourage you but challenge you to explore new ideas for how you might establish healthy boundaries for increased mental wellness.

Open mindedness refers to one’s ability or willingness to consider other perspectives, new ideas or explore new experiences. Within the context of this conversation, it’s exploring new ways to set healthy boundaries; or, set healthier boundaries.

So, what is a boundary? It’s a limit. A border. A dividing line. An invisible line that separates you from another person. It’s a limit or even an expectation for how you want others to treat you. We have limits or boundaries in many areas of our lives:

·  Psychological

·  Emotional

·  Financial

·  Physical

·  Time

·  Intimacy

·  Material

·  Spiritual

One of the easiest ways to set a boundary is to say no. I’m sure you’ve heard this before. No is a complete sentence. However, we can’t say no if we are not clear about our expectations or what we want. The first step to setting a boundary is to know exactly what you want; or what you expect from your relationships, your career, your life…you get the point. Knowing our limits and setting them are very different.

Here are a few quick, easy steps to establishing healthy boundaries:

• Explore your needs and expectations. Know what YOU want. Write it down.

• Communicate your needs clearly and respectfully; and honor the needs of others.

• Be courageous, and say NO. Know your limits and say no.

• Respect the values, beliefs, and ideas of others even if you have a different belief.

An example is:

I feel overwhelmed when I’m given unrealistic deadlines because I take pride in my work and want to have enough time to do my best.

What I need is at least 48 hours to meet a project deadline to ensure a successful outcome.

You see, setting healthy boundaries for many of us is challenging because it’s not a one-time effort, it’s a lifelong process. Just remember, practice makes perfect. Setting healthy boundaries helps us feel that we have more control in out-of-control situations.

Boundaries and Self Awareness Checklist

It is important to establish good boundaries to protect yourself and develop healthy relationships. Boundaries are like invisible lines that we draw around ourselves to let people know our limits, and to keep us from violating the limits of others. Some believe that we teach others how to treat us by the behavior we accept and allow. Clear boundaries help send that message.

Complete the following:

Answer with: 1—Not so much   2—Could be better 3—Got it! N/A

___  I consistently speak up about my thoughts, feelings and needs.

___  I set healthy boundaries on my time, resources and availability.

___  I am comfortable receiving compliments and gifts from others.

___  I consistently take care of my mental health needs.

___  I use alcohol and other substances in moderation or not at all.

___  I have no problem with compulsive behaviors, ie, gambling, eating.

___  I have good coping and self-soothing skills - I can manage my moods.

___  I have a realistic perception of my body; I accept the good and bad.

___  I only use food for nutrition and sustenance - no self-medication.

___  I have a healthy sense of interdependence, not too dependent or aloof.

Scoring: Highlight the statements you rated as 1 or 2. These are the most immediate needs to be addressed.